A Hidden People

I had a crazy dream one night while we were still living in Berlin.  I dreamed about a famous actor living with us.  As he began to share his story with us, we found that he had almost nothing in his life that was real. We found he was actually deaf, but his parents found it shameful and had trained him to read lips very well and to hide this fact from the world.  He was also very unhealthy and no one even knew his real name. We shared the love of our family with him and he was so open and so needy for love.  He planned on living with us for awhile, when he wasn't filming.  

When I awoke, I cannot even tell you how broken my heart was for him.  I actually wept for this man who was so broken and hidden and a person the world assumed "had it all." 

That was the beginning of yet another change in my heart.

You see, I have denied the validity and reality of the mission field that I now stand on.  I have considered people in the entertainment industry a lot of things....greedy, spoiled, overly-wealthy, self-centered, pitiful, impure, perverse.....the list is long.  Somewhere in that long list, I lost sight of the fact that they were human.  In my judgement on them, I made no room for their stories.  Judgement does something to us as believers.   It closes our eyes of compassion.  Judgement speaks but does not listen.  It makes assumptions and casts shadows.  Compassion and understanding are lost in all the shadows.  Until recently, I didn't know how clouded my eyes actually were.

Then, last week, I heard the truth of Hugh Hefner's story and it broke my heart.  (And yes, I said Hugh Hefner--the founder of Playboy magazine). We know a believer here in Hollywood that had to interview him for their job.  When they asked about his childhood, the bomb dropped.  It seems Hugh grew up in a family where love was neither spoken nor physically expressed.  His mother was a germaphobic person and he does not recall her ever holding, kissing or hugging him.  He did have a blanket that he slept with every night for comfort, that was trimmed in bunnies.  When he had some problems with his ears that could have resulted in deafness, his mother consented to let him have a puppy.  She had the puppy placed in a part of the house she did not go into.  Hugh was completely in charge of the dog.  He loved the dog and even gave it his bunny blanket.  The dog died suddenly 5 days later from a disease no one knew it had.  In this devastation, Hugh's mom burned his blanket in front of him to rid the house of germs.  Hugh told the interviewer, 

"So, I guess I am just a little boy still looking for love."

I sat in shock as I heard this and thought of all the times I haven't even wanted to hear this man's name, because of the perversion attached to it.  When, in reality, what he was craving and desperately looking for in all the perversion, is the love from his mommy.  Which, as we as believers know, is sourced in Jesus' very heart.

On a BBC TV show I saw a while ago a man said, "Real poverty isn't bad housing and having no money, it is never having been loved or respected."

Hugh Hefner is surrounded by wealth and fame and money, but is spiritually poor and dying from starvation.  He is only a boy who needed to be genuinely loved.   And so, my eyes have been made even clearer and I could see again why God has us in the depths of Hollywood.  Poverty is not limited to money.  I cannot waste more time denying the spiritually poor their birthrights.  They cannot be denied the truth because they don't stand for biblical principles.  Why would they?  If the law is all they have seen, mix that with being constantly judged, and the absence of love slams the door in their faces.

Don't misunderstand...I'm not talking about overlooking immorality and excusing or sugar-coating sin.  I'm talking about loving people because they are God's children and giving them the opportunity to have real love and real family extended to them so they can really see Jesus for the first time.  When His love and power invade peoples lives, then He changes morals and reverses character flaws and sheds light on the dark places.

Perhaps Jesus understood that the rich have a harder time getting into heaven than others because they are so often denied hearing and experiencing the true gospel.  And why?  Simply because of who they are and what they have. (Don't fret, I have read the scripture and I know what it says....I'm just speculating a bit.)

I think of myself and of some people I love.....

We would never deny ourselves or our loved ones the chance to experience the love of Jesus just because of their social status. We would fight against an injustice like that. But this is what has been happening. It is a reversed prejudice that we cannot hold to any longer.  In a judgement absent from all the facts, we have willingly turned our backs on an entire people group. Somehow, I unconsciously decided that these people were rejecting Jesus, when in fact, they have never seen Him.  They have only seen a perverted or distorted image of Him.

What if all your friends only wanted to be with you because of what you could do for them?  What if the only person who genuinely cared and was trying to help you was paid to listen to you...would that be genuine?  Money and fame are false loves because people love those things and not the real person.  We must be willing to love past the demonic strongholds that are concealing a broken person.

As believers we cannot allow our purity to become distorted into haughtiness that blockades the true love of Jesus from those that desperately need Him.

So, what I had known before was challenged.

And now, what I had known before has expanded.  

Everybody needs compassion.

Everybody needs a real chance to know love.

Everybody needs Jesus.

Everybody.

I've Got That Feeling

I've been feeling something since our arrival in Los Angeles.  I couldn't identify it until very early yesterday morning, when I woke up with that painful burning feeling in my lower stomach/ upper bowel area.  

It is the same feeling I get when I fly on an airplane.  This may come as a surprise to some, but I don't like to fly.  On our first overseas trip together, Chuck and I were on a plane that caught a bad wind landing and tipped the plane hard to the right.  Since that moment, flying has been a struggle.  Every time, every flight.  As much as God has required us to travel, that may seem ridiculous to you, but it is true.  Every time we fly, I have to summon a deep courage.  Every time, I have to make a choice to get on, to not panic, to try and relax and to not only do this for myself, but to extend peace to my children.

On a plane, I am living second-to-second in complete trust in Jesus.  When I step from the jetway to the airplane, I am always conscious that I am placing my life into His hands and there is no plan B if this doesn't work out.  If Jesus doesn't hold this large metal object together that I have chosen to get on with my entire family, all is lost.  But, I know that I cannot bend to anyone (not even fear of the unknown) except God.  I cannot let anything stop me from obeying His call to go to different nations.  I won't do that because I know that following Him is worth the risk.  Yet, I still react to this physically.  I still get that burning sensation in my body.

So, when I identified it the other night, I was surprised.  I laid in bed and told God, "I'm scared." There was no putting on a good Christian attitude and picking myself up and saying "you can do it Della!" because I can't.  We can't.  No one in our family can guarantee that tomorrow we will have a place to live, or money in the bank, or know anymore about how to find our house, or if we will have problems with our van.  None of us can do anything about anything in our lives right now, except live second-to-second believing that Jesus is holding us up and that we will arrive safely at the destination He has designed for us and promised us.  

So, why the burning feeling if you really trust in and believe in God?  

Because that understanding of what we have done is real.  The cost is real.  The fact that we are out here alone is real.  And while we know many are praying for us and standing along side us in the spirit and believe in us, we are ON the "airplane." The door has been slammed shut and locked tight, we have lifted off the ground and we are flying.  And there are those moments of turbulence that have come already that make us all look at each other and say, "What have we done?" "What have we agreed to?" So many have said what a great adventure this is and that is true.  Not everyone gets to see what we have seen and what we see now.  We get a glimpse of the earth from the sky, of the greatness of what He has called us to.  It is glorious, but it is very risky.  We are committed now.  We agreed to this.  We agreed to go into the war zone with no back-up plan.  He is the only thing that can keep us from falling.  He is our only plan.  And that looks foolish. And, that activates my fear in God.  That fear is greater than my fear of looking foolish.  That is what sets the inner part of me on fire. 

This area in my body that burns was once considered seat of the soul.  He has been showing me that when my faith is activated, my soul burns.  It is like one of those pictures of the brain that you see where the active parts are lit up. While the inactive parts are still present they are not "burning." My faith is always present, because it was a gift from God.  It doesn't leave, but when it is activated it burns within me.

Fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.

Ever heard that scripture?  This fear of God that is talked about in the Bible is not contradictory to the God of love we all choose to know.  It is the God who, if He doesn't do everything, then we fail. If He doesn't sustain us, we die.  It is that feeling, that burning of knowing who He is in our lives second to second.  It is trusting that despite what is at stake.  I could take the control back, remove the risk and relax completely and go to sleep.  But, instead, we said "OK" to this.  We committed to it.  So we are flying into wisdom.  Our fear of God burns within us and fills us with courage.  That burning feeling means LIFE.  We are living second-to-second.......burning with holy fear and courage and blazing a trail forward.  And it is not glamorous or easy or relaxing, but He is good and I can fully feel Him there, in that deep part of me. 

It is time.  It is time to awaken to the holiness of life......

Dangerous Liaisons

I hear people talking all the time that do not even know they are in prison.  Somehow, Jesus' children have mixed the enemies' lies into a big pot with the truth of what Jesus tells us and come up with a do-it-yourself prison cell called "common sense." Common sense is really just a cover word for control and control is fear cloaked in a socially acceptable format.  I know it sounds rude for me to say it, but wake-up calls are rarely thought of otherwise.

I heard a guy speak at a church awhile back.  He had been asked to give a testimony.  He began to reveal some very personal fears he had.  He gave details of how he had struggled against some fears for a long time.  He talked about the future and his health concerns.  He was honest about a surgery that was coming and how he was really scared.  He even talked about people he was scared of and why he was scared of them.  I could see he was trying to be very vulnerable.  I really felt his fears and understood how they were so real to him.  There was a lot of uncertainty about his future.  There was a lot of doubt in him that the outcome of his situation would be good.  And, from a "common sense" standpoint, he had a legitimate reason to be afraid.  He did a great job expressing these fears.

Then he began to talk about Jesus and how he knew Jesus would take care of him.  Suddenly, it seemed like he was VERY nervous.  He stumbled over his words.  His train of thought was disjointed and seemed confused.  I could follow him, but something was vastly different in his speaking now.  I thought I was being too critical of him (one too many speech classes in college).  He pulled out his notes to try and collect his thoughts and get back on track.....and as his hands shook and his speech faltered, I heard God speak clearly,

"My people are more intimate with their fears than they are with me."

Wow.  I thought of how we talk about what we fear in such detail, of how we even relate to one another in the fears.  I thought of the ease in which I can express my knowledge of what I am afraid of.....how I identify with those fears.....of how much time I spend with those fears.  

And then, the stark realization came.....

We are sleeping with fear and still trying to go home and crawl into bed with our faithful spouse.  Then, we cannot seem to figure out why there is no deep intimacy between us and our one, true lover.  True intimacy can only be shared monogamously.  True intimacy is glorious.  Everyone really wants true intimacy and impurities leave us frustrated and stunted and discontent.

Common sense is nothing more than an extramarital affair that pollutes from the inside-out.  It has become an idol that has been enthroned by our society and it draws us, lures us away from Jesus.  Fear and control hiding as common sense are the voices of whores coaxing us into a place we would not knowingly go....and when we turn around, the bars are already shutting behind us.  And the other prisoners are whispering "this is just normal," "this is reality," you'll get used to this after awhile" or "your passions and dreams were just childhood fantasies, you are grown-up now," until you accept your surroundings and learn to live without freedom.

So, we have to turn from the whispers and look deep into the eyes of our lover and see Him embrace us with His eyes.  Feel Him hold your hand and pull you into His chest.  Feel Him hold your heart.  Our hearts will begin to beat with His.  His heartbeat is like no other and it beats for you in its own particular rhythm.  It doesn't follow a common sense pattern.  As you listen to it, your shape will begin to change and you will find you don't look like everyone else.  You will find you can slip through the bars and you cannot be held by the common sense prison anymore.  Don't be afraid to not be in control, He is a faithful lover that will never leave you.  He doesn't make sense and he is certainly not common.  He is His own shape.  He is the shape we want to be.

Returning

We were on the North Carolina coast with my sister and her husband for a vacation. It was late afternoon and the tide had gone out. Josiah and Emily and I had walked down the beach a bit. Some tide pools had formed in the sand. There were some rather large fish trapped in these tide pools and we decided to see if we could catch them in our hands. It quickly became the best game ever. They were slimy and slippery and we laughed deep belly laughs as they shot out of our hands. The sun was so warm and I could smell our skin turning golden brown. Sunset began and the light glistened off of Emily's curls and Josiah's white blonde hair. Emily was the first to trap a fish and she was so excited her little arms shook as she held the fish up for us to see. We cheered and put the fish in our sand bucket that was filled with water and started to "hunt" again. In that moment there were no thoughts about the past year, no sadness over the death of our baby boy, no worries about the future, and no thoughts about how to put our lives back together. In fact, there were no thoughts at all, there was only purity. The troubles of living melted into the sun that now sat on the horizon in a golden pool of ocean. As we ran together down the beach to show Daddy our buckets full of hand-trapped fish, there was nothing in our minds but the joy of living right now. Covered in sand and salt we shook and showed our fish and literally squealed with delight as we set them free in the ocean while Daddy grinned at our joy from the shore. It wasn't until hours later I realized I had stopped feeling the constant pain that had gnawed at my heart since JohnMark's death. I smiled to myself as I recognized the purity of Jesus' presence. He gave us that moment and now, years later, I can still close my eyes and be back on that beach in the goodness of that moment. It is a gift I never get to stop opening.

 But how do I live there, in that pure state?

 I want purity because I have experienced purity.

 Purity. I've heard that word my whole life. In fact, one of the first Christian books I read was called "Passion and Purity." I have always associated it with morality. It has always been a cry of youth leaders to their youth to remain pure before marriage. It is a call to married people to keep their marriage bed pure. And it is true, it is all that. But it is more than a cry for a moral life. Somewhere deep in my soul I am searching for it. I am searching to find myself. I am pure. I was made that way. I want to go back there. I want to live and love in a constant state of pre-life purity because that is who I really am. I want to live in that beach-fish-catching state of that day so many years ago.

 Many will read this and say that this is unrealistic. I agree. It is impossible and impractical to dream this way. But, I am. The longing has turned into a journey. And, my God is fully able to complete the good work He began in me. He is the author of me, so my desires will always be outside of this reality. So, here I go....returning to myself as I was created in Jesus. I can only find myself inside of Him.

 This is not some self-help, out of body experience I am looking for. This is me, seeking to live supernaturally in a natural world. This is the power of love embodied in a tangible force. This is eyes to see what is unseen by most, despite my surroundings. This is living in a moment of eternal value. This is really living.

 "Earth's crammed with heaven, 

 And every common bush afire with God, 

But only he who sees takes off his shoes; 

The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries." 

 -Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Approaching Home Boldly

I 'm getting a little worn out listening to everyone sing about God. How's that for a line from a missionary who helps run a worship ministry? What I'm saying is that I seem to keep hearing people sing about God and hearing how little they know Him themselves. It makes me sad and tired. Funny how you can really hear the difference in just the way a song plays out or in a conversation. God is great and mighty and all-powerful and all that stuff.....of course...and that demands singing about because He is worth it. But lately, it seems to me that there is an emptiness to many of these songs. While that may sound like blasphemy to a bunch of people, it's not. The emptiness in declaring God's almightiness comes when that's all we know. So many "Christians" are living on rumors and stories of someone else's relationship with Jesus. But, I am THE BRIDE of Christ. And brides don't live on rumors of their spouses, they live on an intimate knowledge of their husband!

The stories we hear are testimonies. These testimonies are meant to give us hunger for the real Jesus so we can get through the "Holy, Holy, Holy, Alpha and Omega, First and Last, Almighty, God of Abraham and everyone else but me" Jesus and find out what all that intimacy is that Solomon keeps singing about. Now THAT is a worship song I want to sing. Lets sing that song that comes from the heart of someone who has actually been in bed with Jesus.

I'm not just talking about busting through the emptiness of religion, either. I am talking about deep, deep, deep knowledge of this one we have served for so long and not known why. People are starting to get suspicious as to why we would serve someone we have never seen. Heck, that suspicion and lack of deep love for Jesus in my heart is what has plunged me forward. I have to know Him. I've really been allowed to see more of who Jesus really is the past 6 months than I have in the last 6 years. And, the deeper He takes me, the less like super-almighty, untouchable God He seems to me; and more and more I see my lover and my friend. Meanwhile, I am overwhelmed by the fact that God, with all those titles, has an intimate spot just for me in Him. That just makes the intimacy more sweet and a lot of those lofty songs seem so much like abandoned mansions--glorious to look at for tourists, but not really home.

Well, I want to be home. I want to live with Jesus. And, trust me, when you really begin to see Him, you won't wanna just sing about how great He is-- you're gonna want to go to your secret garden with Him and become part of Him and then carry His fragrance all over you all the time--inside and out. Lovers who are intimate smell like each other. I want to smell like Him.

I see a time coming when many of us won't even be able to get off the floor most of the day because we just don't want to. We're going to start understanding His "weighty glory" that people talk charismatically about all the time. We will know Him. When we do, then we will know that His touch is the touch of a real lover and that touch is interactive! His love overwhelms us while inciting us to action and rest and peace all at the same time. This lover is the one who invented love! That's what we will find in the holy of holies. That is what I want.

I know now that Jesus is all mine and I am all His. There is an intimacy that blazes between us and that is always calling me deeper into Him. It is having His liquid love rush over me and through me that causes me to fully know what Holy really means. I am set apart just for Him. And, when you are set apart by the most Almighty, Holy, Highly Exalted King of Heaven, you know you are very, very special. That is me. And there is room for you in Him. Let's go in and go home.

Wait For It...

9 years ago in January I had a very significant conversation with God. I was 9 months pregnant and not everyone that I thought should be excited about my pregnancy was excited. I was complaining to God about this and feeling quite sad that this was happening. In a fraction of a second, God responded. It was sharp and piercing and instantly called me to attention. He said, "Della, I've called you to marriage and missions and motherhood. If you will seek after me and stop worrying what everyone else thinks you should be doing, I will work these things out in every area of your life." I was stunned.

I didn't lie on the floor and weep over my complaining or fall down in His holiness, I just felt the rightness of what He said. And, I agreed as instantaneously as it had been asked of me. My heart was laid open before me. I embraced it. I didn't feel obligated because He was God or anything, but He opened me up and showed me myself. I can honestly say that my embrace was full and quick and strong and solid.


Two days later, I lay on a table in the doctor's office having an ultrasound. I heard the technician say,
"I'm looking at the 4 chambers of your baby's heart and I'm sorry, it's not beating."
I could see the flat line on the screen and I could feel the silence within me. Our baby boy, JohnMark, was dead.

I stood next to the tiniest casket you can imagine and thought,
"What in the hell is happening?"

For years I have wondered why God spoke to me and called me out like that and then, when I agreed, within 48 hours.....death comes in the place where there is supposed to be life; silence where there should be joy.

I awaited an answer. Nothing.

I resolved that I would not know until heaven, but I really never stopped waiting for it.



So here we are 9 years later. I am running through the forest in Germany. And, I began to imagine what it would be like if the path I am on suddenly allowed me to step through a portal into a spiritual world like they did into Narnia. I wondered if I could run through and see some things and then run back out with no time passing. I wondered what it would be like if I could step through that thin film that separates the two worlds. Somewhere in that wondering, He opened my eyes. I saw through the film.

In a flash of a moment I knew the answer to my 9-year-old question.

He spoke to me about my "calling" because I needed to know who I am. What I understood at that time to be a calling, was actually God revealing my identity to me. He just had to talk to me in words I could understand. He knew that we were only hours away from a life-altering moment when everything we had heard was true about Him and about ourselves was going to come into question. He knew that despite all kinds of hellacious circumstances, that if I knew who I was, I wouldn't get lost in the pain.

He knew the enemy would tell me to just take all the sleeping pills the doctor gave me so the pain would stop.

He knew Chuck and I would argue or just stop talking because we just wanted to hold our little boy.

He knew I would feel angry toward Josiah and Emily because I was frustrated all the time.

He knew the danger that was coming for our family.

He knew the enemy wanted to rip us apart.

But, before the darkness came, He lit the light of truth in me. From this truth, I would not allow myself to be crushed by the enemy.

He showed me who I am. He showed me that I have eternal value and that my life is not my own to destroy.

He revealed the value of my marriage and oneness with Chuck. He showed me how His real love binds us together and that not even death can stop it.

He spoke to my heart about the value of being a mother. He highlighted the beauty of my children, of all my children.

Jesus made me and He needs me. I have His love and I have Chuck's love and I have the love of my children.

He knew I could see this through the pain.

And, He knew the power that would come to us if we could cross the "valley of the shadow" and live.

And, we made it.

We crossed the valley as one and Jesus knit us together in a way that many families will never experience. We are a family intimately in love with Jesus and intimately in love with each other.

What the pit of hell sought to destroy, we now possess.

We understand deep pain and we understand what it means to be saved from it.

We have been shown the truth.



Do you know who you really are?

Do you want to know?

Do you know the difference between knowing what you do and who you are?

Do you understand that Jesus doesn't want us to DO things for Him? He wants us to be who He made us to be. He wants us to be with Him.

If this sounds contradictory to everything you have been taught about finding God's will for your life, it is not. I am only cutting through a bunch of crappy language that just confuses the truth. We have changed who we are into what we do. That is why ministries fail and people crumble. When people only know God as their employer and not their lover, then there is no relationship, only an empty shell.

But you are not a shell. Don't get covered up. Embrace the you Jesus made you to be. Don't lock yourself up in a vocation, a ministry or an ideal, but enter into the goodness of endless possibilities and endless joy. You already know Him don't you? Well then, He wants you to see yourself the way He sees you. You are His creation, His pride, His joy, His little one, and His King or Queen. Who you are is exactly enough to fulfill any callings. He works those out when we know our identity--the one He gives us.

If you have always felt like there is more for you, then you are right! There is a place for you. I'm not talking about a physical place, but I am talking about your place in His heart. We talk always about receiving Jesus into our hearts, but we don't let Him receive us into His.

Let Him receive you.

Look at Him. Look into His eyes. There you will see your true reflection. Embrace it. Then, He will begin to work you into every area of your life. And that, reflects Him.

I promise, you will love it, be able to stand in it, and thrive in it. He knows you so well.....you should know you too.


Psalm 139:15-18 (NLT)
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!

You were worth the wait. So is He.

Just To Be With Him

I had a weird, but good experience today. Chuck gave me the afternoon with Jesus and after running an errand that took longer than expected, I sat in Starbucks ready to be alone with Him. However, I couldn't stop thinking about going to the mall to this one store I really like. I tried to do all those things you are supposed to do to spend time with Him: listen to worship music, read, draw, and finally, write down some things God had been saying to me. Something wasn't working somewhere and my mind kept floating between my family and the passion I feel for them and going to this store. Real spiritual huh? After 2 hours, a lot of thought floating and multiple failed attempts to write anything of value, I didn't really think I was in the right place anymore. I made a deal with myself that I would go to that store I wanted to while listening to worship on my ipod.

As I was walking there, one of my college professors came to mind. One of his colleagues had told me what a great poet he was but how since he had children he did not really write anymore. This person said,
"It's a real shame he can't find the time anymore."
I recalled this story with the realization that my poetry professor couldn't "find the time" because he did not want to trade the experience of living his life out with his family for writing about living out his life with his family.

By this time I was in the store and I was overwhelmed with love for my own family. This love is other-worldly powerful, so I was nearly undone in this store. I suddenly wanted to buy every person waiting for me at home a gift, so I did it frantically and then rushed home instead of writing because I just wanted to hold them. I figured out along the way what I had been missing in my "time with God."

I just wanted, well, I just needed to physically feel God's pure love wrapped around me--touching me. I needed to experience Him.

And listen to what I have waiting for me....

Chuck--with gentle kisses and strong arms holding me fast--never leaving--even after all these years and seeing me for who I really am. And He loves that real me all the more. In fact, I can no longer define where I end and He begins. That has to be divinely created.

Josiah --who gives a hug and I realize that the little boy I once held is now holding me. His innocence and tenderness and purity are now under the cover of a genius' mind and a man's body. He desires my presence and I desire his. You can feel that between us.

Emily--my sweet little girl who still sleeps in a sea of stuffed animals but understands on a deep level the power of holding and being held..always has and always will. There is a beauty I feel with her little arms wrapped tightly around me that is greater than any wonderful thing I've seen in nature.

Micah-- the one who wraps his arms around me--demands to be picked up and then whispers "I love you as much as Jesus does," and I believe him.

Benjamin--tackles me with hug and covers me with kisses until it hurts (literally) and says he loves me with a million billion hearts....and again, I believe.

Justine--whose laugh and quirkiness bring fun into the very center of us....all the while, her intense love for Jesus and us can pull us all into the center of who we are created to be. It may make no sense to you, but it does to us when you can touch Jesus like that.

Alana--with her deeply passionate eyes. There is something in there yet to be unlocked, yet you can feel God's love for her in purity and tangibility. God has a way of pouring himself out of our eyes. It is inescapable, and I wouldn't want to escape.


In their arms I wasn't just writing about Him anymore.....I was experiencing Him.

So, I suddenly understood that I and we (the church) are always talking about getting into His presence....pressing in....digging deep.....striving for more in our journals.....in the latest books..... more more.......
But.......
He is surrounding us with His presence and we are MISSING it in one another!

We have to stop that or we are going to run right by His presence on the way to our next big encounter with the shadow of Jesus.


That explains why I feel a longing to go to them after only a few hours away. It is because my heart is worshiping when I am with them--even when I am playing games, cleaning up a spill, helping with school, handing out discipline, holding someone when they cry, or snuggling on the bed.

In those moments my heart is also throwing itself to heaven longing for more and more and more and continually being fully satisfied yet finding itself hungry again for more of Him.

I could not sing a more powerful worship song than this if I had all the musical talent --and yet it makes me want to sing because when you feel and see and touch His love you can't control yourself any more and you don't care to!

So, now you might be thinking that I should shut up. You might be thinking you don't have what I have. And, that you are lonely and thanks for rubbing it in and making it sound like you don't even have intimate worship with God. And my answer is: you are right on part of it. You can't have what I have because what God has done for me is particular to me. The relationship I have with my family and with Him is special and one-of-a-kind and I asked for it to be that way.

But I am not rubbing it in and not telling you intimate worship is not yours for the taking.

I am saying that we can't live on the stories and experiences of others because that is only a shadow of His light. I am saying that you need to look into others and see His presence living in them, right in front of you.

I'm not saying writing stuff down is wrong--but I am saying we should not trade the doing for the joy of being. My eyes are open now. Do you see what I see?