Just To Be With Him

I had a weird, but good experience today. Chuck gave me the afternoon with Jesus and after running an errand that took longer than expected, I sat in Starbucks ready to be alone with Him. However, I couldn't stop thinking about going to the mall to this one store I really like. I tried to do all those things you are supposed to do to spend time with Him: listen to worship music, read, draw, and finally, write down some things God had been saying to me. Something wasn't working somewhere and my mind kept floating between my family and the passion I feel for them and going to this store. Real spiritual huh? After 2 hours, a lot of thought floating and multiple failed attempts to write anything of value, I didn't really think I was in the right place anymore. I made a deal with myself that I would go to that store I wanted to while listening to worship on my ipod.

As I was walking there, one of my college professors came to mind. One of his colleagues had told me what a great poet he was but how since he had children he did not really write anymore. This person said,
"It's a real shame he can't find the time anymore."
I recalled this story with the realization that my poetry professor couldn't "find the time" because he did not want to trade the experience of living his life out with his family for writing about living out his life with his family.

By this time I was in the store and I was overwhelmed with love for my own family. This love is other-worldly powerful, so I was nearly undone in this store. I suddenly wanted to buy every person waiting for me at home a gift, so I did it frantically and then rushed home instead of writing because I just wanted to hold them. I figured out along the way what I had been missing in my "time with God."

I just wanted, well, I just needed to physically feel God's pure love wrapped around me--touching me. I needed to experience Him.

And listen to what I have waiting for me....

Chuck--with gentle kisses and strong arms holding me fast--never leaving--even after all these years and seeing me for who I really am. And He loves that real me all the more. In fact, I can no longer define where I end and He begins. That has to be divinely created.

Josiah --who gives a hug and I realize that the little boy I once held is now holding me. His innocence and tenderness and purity are now under the cover of a genius' mind and a man's body. He desires my presence and I desire his. You can feel that between us.

Emily--my sweet little girl who still sleeps in a sea of stuffed animals but understands on a deep level the power of holding and being held..always has and always will. There is a beauty I feel with her little arms wrapped tightly around me that is greater than any wonderful thing I've seen in nature.

Micah-- the one who wraps his arms around me--demands to be picked up and then whispers "I love you as much as Jesus does," and I believe him.

Benjamin--tackles me with hug and covers me with kisses until it hurts (literally) and says he loves me with a million billion hearts....and again, I believe.

Justine--whose laugh and quirkiness bring fun into the very center of us....all the while, her intense love for Jesus and us can pull us all into the center of who we are created to be. It may make no sense to you, but it does to us when you can touch Jesus like that.

Alana--with her deeply passionate eyes. There is something in there yet to be unlocked, yet you can feel God's love for her in purity and tangibility. God has a way of pouring himself out of our eyes. It is inescapable, and I wouldn't want to escape.


In their arms I wasn't just writing about Him anymore.....I was experiencing Him.

So, I suddenly understood that I and we (the church) are always talking about getting into His presence....pressing in....digging deep.....striving for more in our journals.....in the latest books..... more more.......
But.......
He is surrounding us with His presence and we are MISSING it in one another!

We have to stop that or we are going to run right by His presence on the way to our next big encounter with the shadow of Jesus.


That explains why I feel a longing to go to them after only a few hours away. It is because my heart is worshiping when I am with them--even when I am playing games, cleaning up a spill, helping with school, handing out discipline, holding someone when they cry, or snuggling on the bed.

In those moments my heart is also throwing itself to heaven longing for more and more and more and continually being fully satisfied yet finding itself hungry again for more of Him.

I could not sing a more powerful worship song than this if I had all the musical talent --and yet it makes me want to sing because when you feel and see and touch His love you can't control yourself any more and you don't care to!

So, now you might be thinking that I should shut up. You might be thinking you don't have what I have. And, that you are lonely and thanks for rubbing it in and making it sound like you don't even have intimate worship with God. And my answer is: you are right on part of it. You can't have what I have because what God has done for me is particular to me. The relationship I have with my family and with Him is special and one-of-a-kind and I asked for it to be that way.

But I am not rubbing it in and not telling you intimate worship is not yours for the taking.

I am saying that we can't live on the stories and experiences of others because that is only a shadow of His light. I am saying that you need to look into others and see His presence living in them, right in front of you.

I'm not saying writing stuff down is wrong--but I am saying we should not trade the doing for the joy of being. My eyes are open now. Do you see what I see?

Passion Revelation

I just heard a recording of an old, typical Sunday morning in a Southern Baptist church. It reminded me of how many of those I have sat through in my lifetime. They talked about Jesus and His amazing love. Everything they said was true, but the way they talked was less than passionate. I suddenly had a vivid memory:

I remembered being asked to speak at our church about missions. I was to try and get people to give money for foreign missions. As I simply read the statistics the missions director had given me, I fell apart. I felt my passion welling up inside me as I thought of these people who didn't know Jesus and, while I didn't fully understand it, the passionate compassion of Jesus poured out of my eyes and spilled out for everyone to see. The mission director told me later that she had never seen people give so much money for missions. So, I knew passion was powerful, but I was often ashamed that I could never seem to speak about Jesus in public without ending up a weepy mess. I also noticed that I could not talk about Chuck or any of my children without the same reaction. That same love I felt for Jesus was somehow intertwined with these people I had intimate relationships with.

So, when I heard this old, typical service today, that passionate feeling rose up in me again.

But today, God said, "Get ready. You are not that restricted person anymore. Your passion is no longer going to be restrained." And, with that, I recalled so many times I had spoken in public about Him, about my lover and my savior, and held it in or fought back the tears.

I was overwhelmed with how this had been in my life for so long and I had not recognized it. I remembered a report I gave in college about abortion and why it was wrong and how I completely fell apart and actually sobbed through my report. I looked up only to see shocked faces of friends staring back at me. They didn't know what happened, and I didn't either except that I realized as I was speaking, all these little babies died for no reason. I felt how Jesus' heart was broken for them and for their mommies who didn't know any better than to believe the lies of the enemy. And, then, a full range of deep emotions came rushing out of that classroom with people yelling at me, other people crying, and one girl even admitting in brokenness in front of everyone that she had been raped. What had happened? Jesus' passion and love makes even a college classroom become a place of intimacy where we cannot hide from each other.

And, so what I began to think is WHY? WHY have I been ashamed of and hiding this passion that is as much a part of me as my skin? WHY would I believe those who tell me that this passion is improper. People are desperate to feel His passion. He wants US and we want HIM and we NEED each other.

So, I am trying to prepare myself now (and praying for those around me) who have only seen the tip of passionate me. I cannot contain it any longer!!!!!!

OH--How I know Him--the great I AM is my personal friend. He is my savior, of course, but more than that, we know each other and we are close. If you don't believe me, then you can ask Him. He will tell you over and over how much He loves me. And, OH, oh oh oh--how much He loves you!! Do you know how much He loves you and that you were created out of His love and that you don't have to do anything for Him? He literally just wants to love you and let you feel that love. Do you feel it? If you don't, just keep asking until you do. He often surprises me, like today, with His love in the strangest way. He took an old memory and showed me how I've been filling with His passion my whole life, but people and religion have been telling me to hold it in, to be mature, to be more controlled. But now, I am finding that passion is not "irreverent" but is the real Him in me just bursting out of me. And wow--does that feel good. I like leaking. And, the results of this leak are powerful.

So, next time you see me, get ready to get blasted. I may cry all over you (shamelessly), I may ask you if you've seen Jesus over and over until you either want to get away from me, or you have some type of spontaneous vision, or I may just hug you until you can feel it too! So, basically, expect the unexpected. Even typing this now, I can feel Him welling up inside of me and the old wells have been cleaned out. So, come and drink of His love! It is the water of our souls that leaves you unthirsty here, but hungry and thirsty for more of everything of Him. Aren't you tired of living without really knowing Him? Aren't you sick of just being? Well, you don't have to anymore, because He is I AM and that means everything. And, if I AM lives inside you then you are I AM. That is life that never, ever stops. Never, never, never stops. And, you don't have to wait to get to heaven to have life healed and whole. Jesus is here right now and did I mention that He loves you? He really does. We are way past the cheesy "Jesus loves you" that you have heard before.....this is real, deep, piercing love. You know, like you feel when you are in the deep heart of real worship and it is like the worship cuts you. It is wonderfully painful. It is His sharp word, the double-edged sword. It is His real love peeling back all that stuff on you so He can reveal the real you. That you He created before you were in your mother's womb. The you that you have always known is there and never could seem to find. Come out! Your lover is calling you out-----Come out! His love is calling you because He loves you and He can't do anything else. It is his nature to be singing about you, about His love for you, about His love for all his babies. So, don't wait anymore. It's ok to explode and let all those dreams and passions and love for other people and love for yourself and your love for Him gush out on the floor. That is what true art is....the colors from our Jesus passion explosions flowing together. That is living art. I'll see you on the canvas........Watch out for me--I will definitely splatter on you. Come out!