I remembered being asked to speak at our church about missions. I was to try and get people to give money for foreign missions. As I simply read the statistics the missions director had given me, I fell apart. I felt my passion welling up inside me as I thought of these people who didn't know Jesus and, while I didn't fully understand it, the passionate compassion of Jesus poured out of my eyes and spilled out for everyone to see. The mission director told me later that she had never seen people give so much money for missions. So, I knew passion was powerful, but I was often ashamed that I could never seem to speak about Jesus in public without ending up a weepy mess. I also noticed that I could not talk about Chuck or any of my children without the same reaction. That same love I felt for Jesus was somehow intertwined with these people I had intimate relationships with.
So, when I heard this old, typical service today, that passionate feeling rose up in me again.
But today, God said, "Get ready. You are not that restricted person anymore. Your passion is no longer going to be restrained." And, with that, I recalled so many times I had spoken in public about Him, about my lover and my savior, and held it in or fought back the tears.
I was overwhelmed with how this had been in my life for so long and I had not recognized it. I remembered a report I gave in college about abortion and why it was wrong and how I completely fell apart and actually sobbed through my report. I looked up only to see shocked faces of friends staring back at me. They didn't know what happened, and I didn't either except that I realized as I was speaking, all these little babies died for no reason. I felt how Jesus' heart was broken for them and for their mommies who didn't know any better than to believe the lies of the enemy. And, then, a full range of deep emotions came rushing out of that classroom with people yelling at me, other people crying, and one girl even admitting in brokenness in front of everyone that she had been raped. What had happened? Jesus' passion and love makes even a college classroom become a place of intimacy where we cannot hide from each other.
And, so what I began to think is WHY? WHY have I been ashamed of and hiding this passion that is as much a part of me as my skin? WHY would I believe those who tell me that this passion is improper. People are desperate to feel His passion. He wants US and we want HIM and we NEED each other.
So, I am trying to prepare myself now (and praying for those around me) who have only seen the tip of passionate me. I cannot contain it any longer!!!!!!
OH--How I know Him--the great I AM is my personal friend. He is my savior, of course, but more than that, we know each other and we are close. If you don't believe me, then you can ask Him. He will tell you over and over how much He loves me. And, OH, oh oh oh--how much He loves you!! Do you know how much He loves you and that you were created out of His love and that you don't have to do anything for Him? He literally just wants to love you and let you feel that love. Do you feel it? If you don't, just keep asking until you do. He often surprises me, like today, with His love in the strangest way. He took an old memory and showed me how I've been filling with His passion my whole life, but people and religion have been telling me to hold it in, to be mature, to be more controlled. But now, I am finding that passion is not "irreverent" but is the real Him in me just bursting out of me. And wow--does that feel good. I like leaking. And, the results of this leak are powerful.
So, next time you see me, get ready to get blasted. I may cry all over you (shamelessly), I may ask you if you've seen Jesus over and over until you either want to get away from me, or you have some type of spontaneous vision, or I may just hug you until you can feel it too! So, basically, expect the unexpected. Even typing this now, I can feel Him welling up inside of me and the old wells have been cleaned out. So, come and drink of His love! It is the water of our souls that leaves you unthirsty here, but hungry and thirsty for more of everything of Him. Aren't you tired of living without really knowing Him? Aren't you sick of just being? Well, you don't have to anymore, because He is I AM and that means everything. And, if I AM lives inside you then you are I AM. That is life that never, ever stops. Never, never, never stops. And, you don't have to wait to get to heaven to have life healed and whole. Jesus is here right now and did I mention that He loves you? He really does. We are way past the cheesy "Jesus loves you" that you have heard before.....this is real, deep, piercing love. You know, like you feel when you are in the deep heart of real worship and it is like the worship cuts you. It is wonderfully painful. It is His sharp word, the double-edged sword. It is His real love peeling back all that stuff on you so He can reveal the real you. That you He created before you were in your mother's womb. The you that you have always known is there and never could seem to find. Come out! Your lover is calling you out-----Come out! His love is calling you because He loves you and He can't do anything else. It is his nature to be singing about you, about His love for you, about His love for all his babies. So, don't wait anymore. It's ok to explode and let all those dreams and passions and love for other people and love for yourself and your love for Him gush out on the floor. That is what true art is....the colors from our Jesus passion explosions flowing together. That is living art. I'll see you on the canvas........Watch out for me--I will definitely splatter on you. Come out!
