Just To Be With Him

I had a weird, but good experience today. Chuck gave me the afternoon with Jesus and after running an errand that took longer than expected, I sat in Starbucks ready to be alone with Him. However, I couldn't stop thinking about going to the mall to this one store I really like. I tried to do all those things you are supposed to do to spend time with Him: listen to worship music, read, draw, and finally, write down some things God had been saying to me. Something wasn't working somewhere and my mind kept floating between my family and the passion I feel for them and going to this store. Real spiritual huh? After 2 hours, a lot of thought floating and multiple failed attempts to write anything of value, I didn't really think I was in the right place anymore. I made a deal with myself that I would go to that store I wanted to while listening to worship on my ipod.

As I was walking there, one of my college professors came to mind. One of his colleagues had told me what a great poet he was but how since he had children he did not really write anymore. This person said,
"It's a real shame he can't find the time anymore."
I recalled this story with the realization that my poetry professor couldn't "find the time" because he did not want to trade the experience of living his life out with his family for writing about living out his life with his family.

By this time I was in the store and I was overwhelmed with love for my own family. This love is other-worldly powerful, so I was nearly undone in this store. I suddenly wanted to buy every person waiting for me at home a gift, so I did it frantically and then rushed home instead of writing because I just wanted to hold them. I figured out along the way what I had been missing in my "time with God."

I just wanted, well, I just needed to physically feel God's pure love wrapped around me--touching me. I needed to experience Him.

And listen to what I have waiting for me....

Chuck--with gentle kisses and strong arms holding me fast--never leaving--even after all these years and seeing me for who I really am. And He loves that real me all the more. In fact, I can no longer define where I end and He begins. That has to be divinely created.

Josiah --who gives a hug and I realize that the little boy I once held is now holding me. His innocence and tenderness and purity are now under the cover of a genius' mind and a man's body. He desires my presence and I desire his. You can feel that between us.

Emily--my sweet little girl who still sleeps in a sea of stuffed animals but understands on a deep level the power of holding and being held..always has and always will. There is a beauty I feel with her little arms wrapped tightly around me that is greater than any wonderful thing I've seen in nature.

Micah-- the one who wraps his arms around me--demands to be picked up and then whispers "I love you as much as Jesus does," and I believe him.

Benjamin--tackles me with hug and covers me with kisses until it hurts (literally) and says he loves me with a million billion hearts....and again, I believe.

Justine--whose laugh and quirkiness bring fun into the very center of us....all the while, her intense love for Jesus and us can pull us all into the center of who we are created to be. It may make no sense to you, but it does to us when you can touch Jesus like that.

Alana--with her deeply passionate eyes. There is something in there yet to be unlocked, yet you can feel God's love for her in purity and tangibility. God has a way of pouring himself out of our eyes. It is inescapable, and I wouldn't want to escape.


In their arms I wasn't just writing about Him anymore.....I was experiencing Him.

So, I suddenly understood that I and we (the church) are always talking about getting into His presence....pressing in....digging deep.....striving for more in our journals.....in the latest books..... more more.......
But.......
He is surrounding us with His presence and we are MISSING it in one another!

We have to stop that or we are going to run right by His presence on the way to our next big encounter with the shadow of Jesus.


That explains why I feel a longing to go to them after only a few hours away. It is because my heart is worshiping when I am with them--even when I am playing games, cleaning up a spill, helping with school, handing out discipline, holding someone when they cry, or snuggling on the bed.

In those moments my heart is also throwing itself to heaven longing for more and more and more and continually being fully satisfied yet finding itself hungry again for more of Him.

I could not sing a more powerful worship song than this if I had all the musical talent --and yet it makes me want to sing because when you feel and see and touch His love you can't control yourself any more and you don't care to!

So, now you might be thinking that I should shut up. You might be thinking you don't have what I have. And, that you are lonely and thanks for rubbing it in and making it sound like you don't even have intimate worship with God. And my answer is: you are right on part of it. You can't have what I have because what God has done for me is particular to me. The relationship I have with my family and with Him is special and one-of-a-kind and I asked for it to be that way.

But I am not rubbing it in and not telling you intimate worship is not yours for the taking.

I am saying that we can't live on the stories and experiences of others because that is only a shadow of His light. I am saying that you need to look into others and see His presence living in them, right in front of you.

I'm not saying writing stuff down is wrong--but I am saying we should not trade the doing for the joy of being. My eyes are open now. Do you see what I see?