We were on the North Carolina coast with my sister and her husband for a vacation. It was late afternoon and the tide had gone out. Josiah and Emily and I had walked down the beach a bit. Some tide pools had formed in the sand. There were some rather large fish trapped in these tide pools and we decided to see if we could catch them in our hands. It quickly became the best game ever. They were slimy and slippery and we laughed deep belly laughs as they shot out of our hands. The sun was so warm and I could smell our skin turning golden brown. Sunset began and the light glistened off of Emily's curls and Josiah's white blonde hair. Emily was the first to trap a fish and she was so excited her little arms shook as she held the fish up for us to see. We cheered and put the fish in our sand bucket that was filled with water and started to "hunt" again. In that moment there were no thoughts about the past year, no sadness over the death of our baby boy, no worries about the future, and no thoughts about how to put our lives back together. In fact, there were no thoughts at all, there was only purity. The troubles of living melted into the sun that now sat on the horizon in a golden pool of ocean. As we ran together down the beach to show Daddy our buckets full of hand-trapped fish, there was nothing in our minds but the joy of living right now. Covered in sand and salt we shook and showed our fish and literally squealed with delight as we set them free in the ocean while Daddy grinned at our joy from the shore. It wasn't until hours later I realized I had stopped feeling the constant pain that had gnawed at my heart since JohnMark's death. I smiled to myself as I recognized the purity of Jesus' presence. He gave us that moment and now, years later, I can still close my eyes and be back on that beach in the goodness of that moment. It is a gift I never get to stop opening.
But how do I live there, in that pure state?
I want purity because I have experienced purity.
Purity. I've heard that word my whole life. In fact, one of the first Christian books I read was called "Passion and Purity." I have always associated it with morality. It has always been a cry of youth leaders to their youth to remain pure before marriage. It is a call to married people to keep their marriage bed pure. And it is true, it is all that. But it is more than a cry for a moral life. Somewhere deep in my soul I am searching for it. I am searching to find myself. I am pure. I was made that way.
I want to go back there. I want to live and love in a constant state of pre-life purity because that is who I really am. I want to live in that beach-fish-catching state of that day so many years ago.
Many will read this and say that this is unrealistic. I agree. It is impossible and impractical to dream this way. But, I am. The longing has turned into a journey. And, my God is fully able to complete the good work He began in me. He is the author of me, so my desires will always be outside of this reality.
So, here I go....returning to myself as I was created in Jesus. I can only find myself inside of Him.
This is not some self-help, out of body experience I am looking for. This is me, seeking to live supernaturally in a natural world. This is the power of love embodied in a tangible force. This is eyes to see what is unseen by most, despite my surroundings. This is living in a moment of eternal value. This is
really living.
"Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God,
But only he who sees takes off his shoes;
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries."
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning
