9 years ago in January I had a very significant conversation with God. I was 9 months pregnant and not everyone that I thought should be excited about my pregnancy was excited. I was complaining to God about this and feeling quite sad that this was happening. In a fraction of a second, God responded. It was sharp and piercing and instantly called me to attention. He said, "Della, I've called you to marriage and missions and motherhood. If you will seek after me and stop worrying what everyone else thinks you should be doing, I will work these things out in every area of your life." I was stunned.
I didn't lie on the floor and weep over my complaining or fall down in His holiness, I just felt the rightness of what He said. And, I agreed as instantaneously as it had been asked of me. My heart was laid open before me. I embraced it. I didn't feel obligated because He was God or anything, but He opened me up and showed me myself. I can honestly say that my embrace was full and quick and strong and solid.
Two days later, I lay on a table in the doctor's office having an ultrasound. I heard the technician say,
"I'm looking at the 4 chambers of your baby's heart and I'm sorry, it's not beating."
I could see the flat line on the screen and I could feel the silence within me. Our baby boy, JohnMark, was dead.
I stood next to the tiniest casket you can imagine and thought,
"What in the hell is happening?"
For years I have wondered why God spoke to me and called me out like that and then, when I agreed, within 48 hours.....death comes in the place where there is supposed to be life; silence where there should be joy.
I awaited an answer. Nothing.
I resolved that I would not know until heaven, but I really never stopped waiting for it.
So here we are 9 years later. I am running through the forest in Germany. And, I began to imagine what it would be like if the path I am on suddenly allowed me to step through a portal into a spiritual world like they did into Narnia. I wondered if I could run through and see some things and then run back out with no time passing. I wondered what it would be like if I could step through that thin film that separates the two worlds. Somewhere in that wondering, He opened my eyes. I saw through the film.
In a flash of a moment I knew the answer to my 9-year-old question.
He spoke to me about my "calling" because I needed to know who I am. What I understood at that time to be a calling, was actually God revealing my identity to me. He just had to talk to me in words I could understand. He knew that we were only hours away from a life-altering moment when everything we had heard was true about Him and about ourselves was going to come into question. He knew that despite all kinds of hellacious circumstances, that if I knew who I was, I wouldn't get lost in the pain.
He knew the enemy would tell me to just take all the sleeping pills the doctor gave me so the pain would stop.
He knew Chuck and I would argue or just stop talking because we just wanted to hold our little boy.
He knew I would feel angry toward Josiah and Emily because I was frustrated all the time.
He knew the danger that was coming for our family.
He knew the enemy wanted to rip us apart.
But, before the darkness came, He lit the light of truth in me. From this truth, I would not allow myself to be crushed by the enemy.
He showed me who I am. He showed me that I have eternal value and that my life is not my own to destroy.
He revealed the value of my marriage and oneness with Chuck. He showed me how His real love binds us together and that not even death can stop it.
He spoke to my heart about the value of being a mother. He highlighted the beauty of my children, of all my children.
Jesus made me and He needs me. I have His love and I have Chuck's love and I have the love of my children.
He knew I could see this through the pain.
And, He knew the power that would come to us if we could cross the "valley of the shadow" and live.
And, we made it.
We crossed the valley as one and Jesus knit us together in a way that many families will never experience. We are a family intimately in love with Jesus and intimately in love with each other.
What the pit of hell sought to destroy, we now possess.
We understand deep pain and we understand what it means to be saved from it.
We have been shown the truth.
Do you know who you really are?
Do you want to know?
Do you know the difference between knowing what you do and who you are?
Do you understand that Jesus doesn't want us to DO things for Him? He wants us to be who He made us to be. He wants us to be with Him.
If this sounds contradictory to everything you have been taught about finding God's will for your life, it is not. I am only cutting through a bunch of crappy language that just confuses the truth. We have changed who we are into what we do. That is why ministries fail and people crumble. When people only know God as their employer and not their lover, then there is no relationship, only an empty shell.
But you are not a shell. Don't get covered up. Embrace the you Jesus made you to be. Don't lock yourself up in a vocation, a ministry or an ideal, but enter into the goodness of endless possibilities and endless joy. You already know Him don't you? Well then, He wants you to see yourself the way He sees you. You are His creation, His pride, His joy, His little one, and His King or Queen. Who you are is exactly enough to fulfill any callings. He works those out when we know our identity--the one He gives us.
If you have always felt like there is more for you, then you are right! There is a place for you. I'm not talking about a physical place, but I am talking about your place in His heart. We talk always about receiving Jesus into our hearts, but we don't let Him receive us into His.
Let Him receive you.
Look at Him. Look into His eyes. There you will see your true reflection. Embrace it. Then, He will begin to work you into every area of your life. And that, reflects Him.
I promise, you will love it, be able to stand in it, and thrive in it. He knows you so well.....you should know you too.
Psalm 139:15-18 (NLT)
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!
You were worth the wait. So is He.
