I've Got That Feeling

I've been feeling something since our arrival in Los Angeles.  I couldn't identify it until very early yesterday morning, when I woke up with that painful burning feeling in my lower stomach/ upper bowel area.  

It is the same feeling I get when I fly on an airplane.  This may come as a surprise to some, but I don't like to fly.  On our first overseas trip together, Chuck and I were on a plane that caught a bad wind landing and tipped the plane hard to the right.  Since that moment, flying has been a struggle.  Every time, every flight.  As much as God has required us to travel, that may seem ridiculous to you, but it is true.  Every time we fly, I have to summon a deep courage.  Every time, I have to make a choice to get on, to not panic, to try and relax and to not only do this for myself, but to extend peace to my children.

On a plane, I am living second-to-second in complete trust in Jesus.  When I step from the jetway to the airplane, I am always conscious that I am placing my life into His hands and there is no plan B if this doesn't work out.  If Jesus doesn't hold this large metal object together that I have chosen to get on with my entire family, all is lost.  But, I know that I cannot bend to anyone (not even fear of the unknown) except God.  I cannot let anything stop me from obeying His call to go to different nations.  I won't do that because I know that following Him is worth the risk.  Yet, I still react to this physically.  I still get that burning sensation in my body.

So, when I identified it the other night, I was surprised.  I laid in bed and told God, "I'm scared." There was no putting on a good Christian attitude and picking myself up and saying "you can do it Della!" because I can't.  We can't.  No one in our family can guarantee that tomorrow we will have a place to live, or money in the bank, or know anymore about how to find our house, or if we will have problems with our van.  None of us can do anything about anything in our lives right now, except live second-to-second believing that Jesus is holding us up and that we will arrive safely at the destination He has designed for us and promised us.  

So, why the burning feeling if you really trust in and believe in God?  

Because that understanding of what we have done is real.  The cost is real.  The fact that we are out here alone is real.  And while we know many are praying for us and standing along side us in the spirit and believe in us, we are ON the "airplane." The door has been slammed shut and locked tight, we have lifted off the ground and we are flying.  And there are those moments of turbulence that have come already that make us all look at each other and say, "What have we done?" "What have we agreed to?" So many have said what a great adventure this is and that is true.  Not everyone gets to see what we have seen and what we see now.  We get a glimpse of the earth from the sky, of the greatness of what He has called us to.  It is glorious, but it is very risky.  We are committed now.  We agreed to this.  We agreed to go into the war zone with no back-up plan.  He is the only thing that can keep us from falling.  He is our only plan.  And that looks foolish. And, that activates my fear in God.  That fear is greater than my fear of looking foolish.  That is what sets the inner part of me on fire. 

This area in my body that burns was once considered seat of the soul.  He has been showing me that when my faith is activated, my soul burns.  It is like one of those pictures of the brain that you see where the active parts are lit up. While the inactive parts are still present they are not "burning." My faith is always present, because it was a gift from God.  It doesn't leave, but when it is activated it burns within me.

Fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.

Ever heard that scripture?  This fear of God that is talked about in the Bible is not contradictory to the God of love we all choose to know.  It is the God who, if He doesn't do everything, then we fail. If He doesn't sustain us, we die.  It is that feeling, that burning of knowing who He is in our lives second to second.  It is trusting that despite what is at stake.  I could take the control back, remove the risk and relax completely and go to sleep.  But, instead, we said "OK" to this.  We committed to it.  So we are flying into wisdom.  Our fear of God burns within us and fills us with courage.  That burning feeling means LIFE.  We are living second-to-second.......burning with holy fear and courage and blazing a trail forward.  And it is not glamorous or easy or relaxing, but He is good and I can fully feel Him there, in that deep part of me. 

It is time.  It is time to awaken to the holiness of life......